Not A Happy Post

If you're looking for something funny or happy to read this post is not for you, so check back later.  Sorry family.

I'm feeling very frustrated and angry nearly to the point of lividity (I used the word wrong but oh well) and being awake at 3 AM isn't helping.  I guess all you can do for me is just say a little prayer.  Which now that I think about it is a little ironic considering what I'm going to write about.
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Maybe it's just me but I feel like most bad things don't touch us for awhile as children.  Sometimes they do, but generally speaking, most of us live our happy lives and look around at bad things feel a moment of sad and move on.  I guess some people would say that I've seen my share because of my disability and all the junk that comes with that.  I've dealt with death, but even then it stings a little, It's not the end and you learn how to deal with it and move on.  People are always saying, but Angela, you've dealt with some really hard things and you do every day. HA!  My life is so easy!  I don't even have the right to complain!  I'm not a single mom struggling to make ends meet, I'm not starving, I have a job, a house and I could go on and on.

Right now, I'm not dealing very well.  One of my best friends in the whole wide world has cancer. There's no family history or anything so it came as quite a shock.  It sure shakes up your world when this person is just a year older than you.  It could be me next year.  I think what has me so bent out of shape is that I simply can't fix it.  I can't take it away no matter how hard I want to. I HATE feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. It's the worsestestest!  I feel like I could handle this trial and it is totally unfair that she has to.  She is young, brave, so kind, friendly, one of the best teachers around, uber talented, beautiful, dates a lot, has a great job and everything awesome. I know, I know I have most of those things, but I sure feel like like an ugly duckling in comparison, but I sure feel like a trial like this would be ok for someone like me because I'm not that. I know I know, but that's just my opinion right now when I'm mad!
 When she first told me, we laughed.  I guess you could say you can either laugh or cry and we picked one.  When I got off the phone I cried.  I don't know anything about cancer really and I don't know a lot about how to get rid of it.  I don't know anything about chemo  except for the fact that it's poison. I don't know how it affects the body and if it changes if you can have kids or any of that.  I just know that it's evil and that people don't live or do live that have it.  Anyway, I could rant and rave some more but it's not going to make any difference.  I just felt like needed to write in a fairly safe place.  Sorry family.  Once you write something down it becomes not just an idea but real because it was created.  I'm hoping that writing words will make it so I can sleep.

Personality Tests

Do you know why they didn't hire the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn't control her pupils.

That, right there is a joke worthy of being called a dad joke.  I have more if you need them.

I haven't blogged in awhile because i have been super busy.  Like, crazy insane busy.

I've officially hit the bottom of the low point in my first year, and yes it is the pits.  I am grateful for the fact that I know this is normal and will go away eventually.  Working in charter school systems is hard.  Parents decide that their kid isn't doing well, or not learning what they want or blabbedy blah blah blah.  I just feel bad for the poor kids because I feel like they deserve some stability but that's just me.  I keep losing kids, even in orchestra and it makes me feel like a bad teacher even though it's not my fault.  I just always really like the kids that leave. Can't they just take the awful ones?

It doesn't help that other jobs are opening and I keep wondering if I would be happier here or over there, but then moving sounds way more daunting than just staying put for one more year so that's that.

I always wanted to be that cool teacher where students write me love notes....but this is all I get I guess.

It was pretty cool.  I whited out some names so that I would be legal.  If you see Jeffrey on there that is a student but not really.  He's the invisible class member who tries to turn in other people's stuff with his name on it. 

One more moment.  I give my new students an orchestra personality test and this semester I worked super hard to make it seem legitimate.  Then I interview all my students and make sure I have a balanced orchestra. When you tell someone that they test shows that they should be a cello because of this and this and this they will sometimes pick cello.  It's manipulative I know, but it works for me!  I got this idea from an awesome teacher friend of mine.  Anyways,  in class I'm tuning (story of my life) and I hear a cello player ask, so do you all wrote on your test that you like chocolate ice cream?  I panicked for a moment because some of them put like rocky road or something of that nature, but I guess they just heard do you like chocolate? They all looked at him and said well...yeah duh!  He said, awesome then we are meant to be cellists!!!  He looked at me and said, Ms. Helm personality tests do work!!   I was so relieved, all I said was yep. Phew! Crisis averted!